Friday, January 31, 2014

The Toddler Vortex

Everyone is fussing about the polar vortex. They have no idea. The real trouble is what happens to kids and therefore stay at home parents, when everyone is stuck inside for gets WEIRD.

I call it "The Toddler Vortex." It is much more frightening than a little bit of cold weather.

If I could, I would totally put on my long johns and happily go to some office somewhere, rather than stay home to weather the storm my toddler has been brewing.

Here's a sample of our morning, before I was able to so much as drink my tea.

On waking up:


"You ok pal?"

"No. I am not ok. I am not going to be nice today. Ahhhhhh!"

(Our usual wake up call is a super cheerful "It's morning time!" a la 'Good Morning Vietnam.' It is going to be a long day.)


On getting dressed:


"You peed on your shirt, it is dirty. We have to change it."


Somehow the shirt comes off.

"I am cold."

"Let's pick out a new shirt!"



On snuggling when cold because he refuses to get clothes on:

"Mommy! I am sad, sad, sad. Come snuggle me!"

"Are you going to be nice now?"

"No. I don't think so."


On what to eat for breakfast:

"Mommy, can you make me some (egg) shapes?"

"Ah...(looking in fridge) no. Daddy forgot to leave us scrambled eggs."

"But Mommy, I want this ribbon shape."

"I know, but I have to think about how to do it. Mommy can't touch eggs and the pan is dirty."

"You can't touch eggs?"

"No, they make my skin itch."

Few minutes later...

"Mommy, I am sorry my eggs make you sick."

"Thanks pal."

"So...can you make me a ribbon shape now?"

"No. Stop asking."

Few minutes later...

"When is Daddy coming home."


On pooping:

"He he. I farted. Do you like farts?"

"No, they are stinky."

"What about big farts?"


"What about poops?"


"They are stinky too hunh?"

"Yep. Did to poop?"

"No, I just made a big fart."


On actually pooping:


"Are you pooping?"


"Would you like to do that on the potty?"

Grunt. "No."

"Are you ok?"

Grunt. "I am just pushing the poop out to make the hurting go away. Isn't that nice Mommy?"

I let him empty the silverware drawer while I finally got to finish a cup of tea, and the kitchen slowly filled with the smell of poo. It was not satisfying or relaxing. I can't drink coffee. There is not enough tea in the world to make me alert enough to keep up with this guy. I am in so much trouble.

Then it was time to go bail out the shower, shower, then bail, (The drain is frozen again,) and try to make it to my doctor's appointment on time. We walked in and my husband was there waiting for us. My loyal Pesonal Assistant instantly perked up. The Hubster asked "What's wrong?" I could not even look at him.

We stopped at the library on the way home to see friends and get some books. He was super excited. Then we got out of the car and he would not walk. WOULD NOT BUDGE. I am way too pregnant for this.

On the way home we had this pleasant exchange:

"Do the houses make you happy Mommy?"

"I don't know pal, I like the colors. Do they make you happy?"

"Well, actually, not exactly. They teach me some good tricks and stuff though. Despite my outward appearance..." (The rest of that sentence was spoken to the window and I could not hear it, and he would not repeat it. I was charmed. Things were looking up.)

We made plans to play outside since it was warming up. We would go in the house, put on his 'marshmallow pants' and coat and then he could play in the yard. It was going to be awesome.

I parked the car and got him out, he refused to moved off the sidewalk. I tried to wait him out. No dice. So I took his arm, and keeping him upright, dragged him into the yard and locked the gate where he promptly removed his hat and mittens and stood, rattling the chain link like a deranged inmate, and screamed at the top of his very healthy lungs; "Get me outta here!" so loudly and urgently I can't believe child services has not shown up yet.

I eventually wrestled him downstairs into the house, then upstairs to his room for quiet time. Which also involved a lot of screaming. I took my own time out in my room. Eventually it got quiet. I went to check on him. I could not find him. Then the arm emerged.

He is now napping happily in a cave he made under bear bear, next to his not-quite-finished freight car bed.

Ahhhhhhh. I think I will try that cup of tea again.



Never mind...

He woke up before the water boiled. I changed his diaper. He screamed. I put his pants back on, he screamed louder. He wanted to go downstairs, we went downstairs. He screamed that no, in fact he wanted to be naked and upstairs...alone. He screamed and screamed and screamed. My left ear may never be the same again. The Hubster walked in. He said "Here comes Daddy! Let's hide!" We sat at the table, silent, motionless, heads down, covering our eyes. I could feel The Hubster staring at us. I looked up. The Hubster asked, "You both look so depressed! What is wrong?"

"What are you talking about? This is the happiest we have been all day!"



  1. Oh Jen I don't wheather to laugh, cry or just hug you. I am speechless!