Conversations with My Personal Assistant

The Personal Assistant on why Gigi is here...with boobs:

 

P: Hi Gigi!

Gigi: Hi buddy!

P: Um...you have personals. Are you going to nurse our baby?

Gigi, wide eyed: Ah...no...

P: Then why have you got them? What are you going to do with them? What do you use them for?

Me: Gigi nursed me with them when I was a baby. Mommies just nurse their own babies.

P: Oh!

 

The Personal Assistant on bead work:

"We are making JEWELRY here people! We're not here just playing with beads. This is SERIOUS."

 

The Personal Assistant popcicles for breakfast:

P: Daddy gave me this popcicle for breakfast!

Me: Oh really?

P: No

 

The Personal Assistant on Caffeine:

P: Why do you drink caffeine Mommy?

Me: Because you and your brother have way more energy than I do and it helps me keep up. And I don't get enough sleep...really I should get more sleep.

P: Oh. And you can't sleep because of the caffeine.

 

The Personal Assistant on Gigi's milk supply:

P: Are you going to nurse our baby?

Gigi: No.

P: But you have personals...oh no...Gigi, did your milk dry up?

 

The Personal Assistant on his reflection in the fitting room mirror:

"Oh! I have never looked more handsome!"

 

-Jen

 

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First kid, second kid

"Parenthood is magical."

"A new baby changes your life in such unexpected ways."

"Everything is different after you have a baby."

If you are having your first, precious, lovely, perfect child these words will likely be repeated to you over and over by well meaning adults.

If you are having your second child, the conversations get much more fun. So to all my Mommy friends about to have second babies, this one is for you.

Adventure awaits.

Protein.

 

 

Any Given Weekday

You know those home tours and makeover reveals where everything is pretty and nice. Well, this ain't one of them.

I recently posted a kitchen update, mostly because it was clean. But today I am going to give you the "Average Weekday" house tour. Let's start in the kitchen.

Christmas is over rated.

I am so over Christmas. O V E R I T. We decided to do "Christmas lite" this year and I can't even hack that.

The Potty Fairy

Kiddo wants to potty train in theory, but not so much in practice. It has been a struggle. His CSID has not helped. Because I respect my readers (somewhat) I will not elaborate. Let's just go with "It's been a rough year, " and leave it at that. But he's old enough that if I don't do something, he's gonna have issues. So when a member of the CSID support group suggested we needed a potty fairy, I was all over that like white on rice.

Bedtime conversations

Tonight was my night to read books.  My husband and I have a very ritualized bedtime routine.  Every other night he does my son's bath and I read books, the next night we switch.  This was my husband's idea.  It's a bit rigid, but I've come to appreciate the fairness of it.  Last night my little guy and I were learning about bats.

bats

He was thrilled to learn that bats eat wasps, mosquitoes, and other insects.  And then it happened.

Me: "Other bats eat lizards, birds, and even fish!"  (This accompanies a rather ghastly illustration of a sharp clawed giant bat with its mouth open baring its fangs swooping down to wrench a gasping fish from the water.  Eesh...)

Him: (with a flop on the bed and a dramatic head toss)  "OH NO!  NOW THERE IS NO BEAUTY IN THE WORLD!!!!!"

Me: "Is there really NO beauty in the world?"

He turns to me wide eyed and says faintly, "There's only 5% left."

Me: "All animals are part of a food chain.  Every animal's body was made to eat something.  Did you know that even people eat fish?"

He boggles, "WHAT is made out of FISH?!?"

"Well, fish sticks....salmon...."

Him: (obviously ignoring the fish stick part) "Oh, I'm SO relieved I don't eat salmon."

The next page was about vampire bats...nope, nope, nope.  I am a coward.  I skipped straight on to fruit bats.  Maybe tomorrow night my husband can teach him about bats that fasten themselves onto livestock, rip tiny holes in them, and suck their blood...I am not risking any more beauty in the world on my shift!

-Daisy

Animal Cruelty.

This looks like a sweet picture of a boy and his dog. It is not. This is a picture of a boy who has run a dog around in circles until she's too tired to move. The poor creature is just relieved that all he wants at the moment is a pillow.

Kiddo is filled with LOVE. Big, big, love. Rough and tumble, flying leap to hug your head when you aren't expecting it kind of love. Climb on your back until it gives out just to be near you love. Big, BIG love. My body doesn't like it, but I get it. Softie, our dog, well, she deserves a medal.

The Ultimate Evening Continues.

The Personal Assistant wanted to make his boat float, so for the first time ever, he took my hand and marched me up to the bath. Then he needed to use all of the colors of bath bombs-blue, red and yellow, so the water was a lovely shade of ick. To make bath time complete, I gave him a few big squirts of Crayola finger paint bath soap and dared him to "paint" his penis blue. So it was also the first time since the he could talk that I didn't have to negotiate to "clean his under carriage".

At 4am Himself woke up screaming, I ran to his room to find him in the chair, no pants. He calmly explained the problem: "I need help getting my shirt off so I can sleep in my streakers". He ended up "in his streakers" in our bed at 4:30, and was nearly asleep when Mr. Baby woke up with a full diaper and teething pain. Mr. Baby then proceeded to pee on me during the diaper change, and thus came back to bed to nurse in his streakers, much to Himself's exuberant delight.

Not wanting to have anything to do with his rather hirsute Daddy, Himself snuggled into my back because, as he explained: "Mommy is one of my favorite characters, not Daddy, just Mommy. Let me see your face. No. Turn your head my way. (Backwards) To my cheek. No! Don't put your head that way! (Not backwards) I need your face! Softie! BE QUIET MOMMY IS TRYING TO SLEEP! Now look of me Mommy, look of me." And so passed the wee hours and my last chance to sleep until bedtime tonight.

Laugh all you want. This ain't over kid.

-Jen

 

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The Ultimate Evening.

Back when Hubster and I were dating long distance, a client asked me to show her step son around town. Ok. Fine. He, knowing absolutely nothing about me or my relationship, spent the evening trying to convince me that the love of my life was cheating on me, and promised to show me 'The Ultimate Evening.' So of course I told the bartender to hold the alcohol on any and every drink I ordered, no matter what I said, and to charge him top shelf prices. Then I went home and called my future Hubster and we laughed and laughed. Fast forward twelve years (!?) later and we still laugh about 'The Ultimate Evening.'

Guest Post: Maternity Leave Personal Records

Liesa is a mother of two energetic boys as well as a new baby girl.  She is a high school math teacher in Columbus, Ohio where her husband is completing his Ph.D.

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I’m a runner and so, life is measured a string of PR’s (personal records).  Since I wont be setting any super awesome race times while home on maternity leave with my beautiful daughter, I need to measure PR’s in a new way.  So here goes:

Guest Post: I used to be the Perfect Parent

I was the perfect parent.  Seriously, I was stellar.  I knew exactly what to do in every single situation life could possibly throw at me.  And then I actually had a child.

When to be a Conversation Topper

In general I dislike, and discourage conversation topping.  You know what I mean.  You want just a little bit of sympathy, "My day has been so difficult..."  and the response follows, "You think THAT was hard?  Let me tell you about MY day."

The Toddler Vortex

Everyone is fussing about the polar vortex. They have no idea. The real trouble is what happens to kids and therefore stay at home parents, when everyone is stuck inside for days...it gets WEIRD.

I call it "The Toddler Vortex." It is much more frightening than a little bit of cold weather.

If I could, I would totally put on my long johns and happily go to some office somewhere, rather than stay home to weather the storm my toddler has been brewing.

Here's a sample of our morning, before I was able to so much as drink my tea.

Zen Entertaining and the art of faucet repair.

I hosted my first Christmas this year for my family, because my brother just wanted everyone together, and I am too pregnant to travel comfortably. It was going to be great. Perfect. Beautiful. The menu was set, much was preped ahead of time so I could relax instead of cooking, the decorations were beautiful, the house was clean, so what if the paint wasn't all touched up, and the closets completely cleaned out, faucet was a little loose, it's an old house. I could get to all of that later.

It's Thanksgiving, and everything is perfectly normal.

The Hubster asked me to make a "traditional" apple pie this year. No rosemary infused crust, no citrus in the filling. "Fine," I said, "but it IS going to be a mile high, and have smoky molasses notes in the filling, and the lattice crust will be extra dense and smothered in melted butter, cinnamon, and sugar, and you can't stop me."

We need a joke.

I think my Personal Assistant knows I am stressed.

He rubbed my back today when I burst into tears after the latest bit of "Not terrible, just terribly inconvenient" news and said, "I think you are just having a frustrating day Mommy." Poor kid. He is two-and-a-half and already doomed to a life of unrequited empathy.

Creating Life

While Jenny is busy creating real people life, we have ventured into the land of Sea Monkeys!  I am having an ethical dilemma regarding the little critters.  First of all, as evidenced by my fails to even grow bean sprouts and carrot tops, I'm a little shaky in the life sustaining department.  And then, my son was given a Sea Monkey "kit" for his birthday.